Feeling Defeated

For some reason, I wake up this morning feeling completely defeated. I am not sure why this feeling has occurred. If you have read my last post, you probably deduced that I had a bad day on Friday. But I justified that by telling myself: "We all have bad days. Its these bad days that make the good days so much better." I have to tell myself that or else I begin to think, what I am doing at this job? Why am I really putting myself through this? I take a lot of shit from people, and I just don't say anything. I am walking a fine line between achieving everything I want, and losing it all with one bad blow up. I want to keep it professional and all, but some days I just want to scream out "leave me the fuck alone." Which of course, I can't.

The main thing that I am realizing is that I am an assistant. I assist others. I do my job well and no gives me an recognition because, I am doing my job. When I don't do my job well, I get yelled at and then I feel bad about myself. So, I get no thank you for a job well done, and I get an ear full when I fuck up. How am I suppose to gauge my performance without any positive feedback. And without that positive feedback, I am constantly afraid I am going to be fired. (I have this idea that my bosses are conducting interviews for my job and I wouldn't even know it. Then I get sandbagged with the news.) And of course, when I mess up, I feel this need to fix it. I haven't quite learned how to separate work from my personal life. When I have a bad day, it rolls over into my personal life.

So, to wrap this all up this is it. I have a constant fear that I will fired, mix that with a bad day and no positivity on a job well done, I feel defeated.

But I am positive, hopefully the day will turn sunny and it will be a good day.