I am having an axiety attack

(I do not own this picture)
So, I sure probably lay off the red bull as it may be leading to the anxiety I am feeling. Or maybe the fact that I need something and have to wait on others is causing that. I was given the wonderful task of assembling three scripts for one of the shows and emailing them to the network who pay us a lot of money to make said show. I have two out of the three scripts and what I am doing with them is watching the shows and making sure the scripts match the final cut of the show word for word. Not a super exciting task but still, good fun. Until I find out that I to delivered the scripts tomorrow by 10 AM and the shows haven't even been posted online for me to access and watch. So, now I don;t have a fucking clue what to do and am freaking out. And of course, through all this freaking out i learn that we can push back the delivery by one day so now I still have one day to work on it, which isn't bad, I guess. Hopefully, one of the shows will be done today and I can watch it and finish that script and tomorrow the second show will be posted and I can watch that one and send it all in on Wednesday by 10 AM. That seems plausible, right? Oh fuck, I need to go lie down.

Happy Holidays

Well, it turns out that the kid I was suspicious of in the last post totally got fired (or quit) the next day. It was so strange. The whole office went out to lunch and while everyone was leaving, my boss called this guy into his office and they were like, "we'll be right behind you." Once we got to the restaurant we were waiting for my boss to show up but before he did, one of my other bosses told us that "you know who" will no longer be with us here at "work." I was like, "what?" Apparently, everyone at the company besides me knew this was coming. I like to think I am on the up and up, with my ear to the ground to hear these kind of things coming, but this totally passed me by. Maybe I am not as well connected as I thought. And then it got me worrying about my job. I feel like any mistake will send me packing. This job has turned into survivor. I need to outwit, outplay, and outlast the other assistants. Oh, wait...I am the only assistant. Does that mean I could be replaced. What I have decided to do in order to preserve my job is to take on as many messing, unwanted assignments as possible. I volunteered to do the holiday card and gift lists. Not so hard right? Well, there was a reason the job was still available. It has turned into this mountain of paper work and no one will sit down and tell me who they want on the list and what gift they receive. If I could take the AMEX and just purchase gifts from Harry and David and sent it to people, that would be fine. But i have to do research into gifts that are not common but cheap. Its very hard. That is probably what I should be doing now. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Too Paranoid

So, a couple of weeks ago I got a call from our Head of Development. He told me that he would be sending me important documents and that i needed to protect them. I should not let people look at them because these things house our ideas and those are the life of the company. Well, I absolutely agree with him and I have become completely paranoid about coworkers looking at the information. I had to print off treatments this week. So I have been doing it in a different room, not near my desk. I don't like people looking over my shoulder, and as soon as the pages print I take them and hide them on my desk. Once I have all the pages for a treatment, I compile them, bind them and hide them like a CIA agent. Every time a coworker asks what I am doing, I tell them "printing some things" and try to change the subject. I need some Tums.

Eating my feelings

So, yesterday did not end well. I was nice enough to say "yes" when asked to drop off a Fedex package at a drop box. The box is about 15 minutes out of my home. Not a big deal. I didn't want to do it, but I said yes, so I needed to go ahead and live up to that obligation. I took the packages, and left work at exactly 6:20. It takes me about 10 minutes to get to the drop box, which gets picked up at 6:30. Needless to say, i was racing through lights and passing other cars like a driver in the Indy 500. I pulled into the post office parking lot, located the drop box and pulled up next to it. As i walked up with packages in hand i noticed the big sign on it that read "Today's drop HAS BEEN picked up." No! No! NO! Shit, Mother fucker, damn it!!!!!! I was so mad. I got there at 6:30, it should not have been pickup up. Fuck me!!!!! I was so angry. So what did i do? After a little screaming session in my car and a couple of honks on the horn i gathered my composer and whipped out the blackberry. I couldn't remember the zip code or where i was and the only way to locate drop boxes is by zip or phone number. I put in the work number and it gave me a location in Vienna. Great. I have to drive like 30 miles now, out my way. I used google maps to find the location and hit the gas. I called Susie to see if he wanted to get dinner, since I was going to be in her neck of the woods. She had already made plans. Okay. I called Joann next, because earlier she says that she was meeting friends in Centreville and that I should join them. Centreville was on my way home, now, so I figured I would call. After six calls and no answers, I was like "Fuck it." By this time, I had made it to Vienna and was looking for this Fedex drop box. I drove around for about ten minutes and finally found it. When i drove over to it, it had a the same deadly sign i read earlier in the night. "This pick up has already occurred." Oh, FUCK This. It says on the box that the pick up does occur until 7:30 and it was 7:08. What did you do Joey? you ask. I got on the phone and I called Fedex. And I know I should have been nice, but I pretty much bite the guys head off after which he informed me that the pick up had NOT yet occurred and he apologized for the incorrect sign and my displeasure. To which I replied, "its okay. thank you." His response "Have a nice night." And the award for most ridiculous douchebag moment of the night goes to...Joey. Anyway, on my way I really had a craving for Wendy's because the closest one to me was closed down. So i google maped Wendys and found the one on my way home. By the time I got there it was 8:00 and I was hungry. I pretty much ordered like a starving fat kid and sat in my car as I eat. The only scene I could think of to describe this was the in the first episode of Fat Actress with Kirstie Alley. She is sitting in her car, eating burgers and can't find her fries and she freaks out and cries. I found my fries, so not tears for me, but my situation reminded me of that. All in all, I looked like i was eating my feelings and it was sad.

how many times, is too many?

So i was suppose to call my boss at 3:00 to make sure he was on his way back to the office for a very important phone call with an executive at a network. This is big. Very big. So i called at 3:00. No answer. then 3:04, no answer. Then 3:08, no answer. Then 3:15, and you guessed it, no answer. Am i just crazy? I know that four times in fifteen minutes is stalker like behavior. But i am not a stalker. I'm not even that crazy. I just really like my job.


On the plus side, the phone did that ring-beep thing so i am hoping he is on the phone with someone very important and is why he didn't pick up to tell me he is on his way back.

Oh shit, i will be freaking out for the next forty-five minutes until he returns.

What I have learned as an assistant, so far

Its all about anticipation. Or so i hear. Its also about google searches and emailing photos. Thats what my life consists of now a days. Emailing photos and website addresses to my boss. Although, even doing that, i still find it exciting that i work at a production company. I kind of want more responsibility, except i have only been doing this particular job for about four weeks now. Maybe they are trying to break me in softly. I would really like more work to fill my time so that i feel more productive. I am doing developmental research, which is when you find articles in newspapers, magazines, books, etc that you think could make an interesting television show or movie. I have also been working on a screenplay. I will not discuss it here, but when it is finished, i will need to find an agent and get it shopped around. I am not sure whether or not i want it to be a teen comedy or a family channel made for tv movie. I feel more drawn to teen comedy only because i want there to be sex, and you can't really get away with that kind of stuff on the family channels. I do have another idea for the family channel market. I will work on those today.

Today was uneventful

Today, i began with breaking up forty hard drives from work with a hammer and some aggression. Then i sat at my computer and surfed the web. Then i did a little research on television networks and other such. Oh, something that happened the other day that was really neat.
Back when i was thinking about leaving VA and moving to LA i went and bought a book on how to be the best personal assistant. Glad i read that because it comes in handy with my new responsibilities. but the point is that there is a section on lingo in LA. For example, what "leave word" means and "rolling call sheet." I got a call from my boss' agent's assistant who was like, "oh, well can i just leave word about the meeting?" and i was like, "yeah, dude." I totally knew what he was talking about.
If that little story was a complete lost on you i just want to say, its all about the little victories, okay reader? Is that okay with you? What is exciting to me may not be the same for you. Let see, anything besides that, hold please, phone ringing.........okay back now. Let see, what else is new? Nothing.

until next time.

At the Caps Game

Got these tickets from work.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

wedding videos

Ok, i know these are like four million months late but they say better late then never. Here steph and weston, are two videos take by yours truly for your viewing pleasure. I am sure you remember these moments but its nice to have a different perspective.

The Introduction



the good stuff on this video starts around 40 seconds.

My new job

I have moved up in the world. I am now the assistant to our CEO. That's right. I now pick up two drinks at starbucks in the morning instead of one. I have two email accounts instead of one. I am moving up. The sky is the limit now. I apologize for not sharing this news sooner but we still haven't finalized the numbers. I am not sure how much I will be making but it doesn't matter because I am full time and need a day off. I am taking back my weekends. I hope I get to travel for the company. I listen to the field producers discussing budgets for upcoming shoots in thailand and India. That would be so exciting. But I am not ready for India. I am thinking New York or LA first, then graduating to Europe and then expanding further. We will see. I am on my lunch break now. My duties as new assistant include going to the bank and confirm meetings in addition to what I already did.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Voice Mail Hell

So, Its not even 11:00 AM and I have fucked up twice with the voicemail. Its not hard to transfer people to voicemail, when you have a 12 line phone. i have a 24 line phone, which means when i am hitting the 24 button, it is not the 12 button, which is Vmail. So needless to say, after three failed attempts i asked for help. And right after that I went and found a spare phone with only 12 lines. Then, the phone rang. Nothing new there. I went to pick it up and the cord connecting the ear/mouth part fell out. And then I couldn't get it back into the hole. (Giggle if you must.) It was very funny/horrible. Here I am, not being able to talk to the person I just picked up, because the bloody phone is all fucked and I can't get it in to work and I am laughing because it is so comical. Shit like this doesn't happen in real life, does it? Why yes it absolutely does. And i asked my boss when he came in if he got the message. And he told me no. The elusive voicemail transfer will be conquered by the end of the day.

Today i felt like a real intern

So, not only did i get to go pick up lunch from the heaven that is Panera Bread, i also got to book a flight. But I am getting ahead of myself. My day started with a little sleep. Too little to get up and function, so what did I do? I whipped out my blackberry, emailed the office manager, Renee. So once i got into the office, armed with a venti machiatto and my wits I entered the danger zone. The place was a buzz. We had a field producer and a writer sitting in with an editor and going over footage from a field show that wrapped. I was then sent to get their food orders for a lunch run. So at 12 i went in and they were already looking at a Panera menu online. I got their money and grabbed my keys and hit the road. I got to Panera and was standing in line with this insane chick came in talking on her phone. She was loud and screaming about "and then Jordan called me and was like come out baby, and bring Thailana and I was like no, i'm tired." The reason for all this is the fact that on her sunglasses still had the "100% UV Protection" sticker on it. Too crazy. I called my friend Allison to tell her about this. She thought it was funny.
Back at work, I came back. Delivered the lunches and change and sat to eat mine. I was then informed that I needed to find my boss, a flight from Dulles to Salt Lake City. Easy enough. It must leave after 10, arrive there before 4 and be a nonstop? Shit. And he wanted a return flight the next day, that didn't leave until after 9 PM. I got on the net and surfed all the sites i could think of to locate flights. Nothing matched his criteria. I then was told to call American Express and book through their travel services. So I did that. After two hours on the phone, I got him on a flight that leaves at 10:50, with one layover and gets him to Salt Lake City by 3:55. He then flies back the next day at 11:59 to have a two hour layover, to come back to Dulles. And then, it turns out he wanted me to pay for the flight using our points. Then i had to get back on the phone and call AmEx again and talk with their rewards people. Once i went through two security questions, which I had no idea what they could be and had to call my boss and ask they finally make the corrections and everything was fine. I want a Black AmEx with my personal assigned concierge and travel agent, as well as a private jet so I never have to go through this again. I am tired and want to go home.

Research...i feel like a Sherlock F*cking Holmes

So, all i have done is research. "And what are you researching Joey?" Well, I'll tell you. I get to research modern weapons that may have come from weapons used by Roman Gladiators. That's right. Something completely useless just because there are no such weapons. No one uses a sword, or a triton. Maybe a net what even that's a stretch. Other than researching on the internet, I messenger contracts and fight with the fax machine. The highlight of my day. Sweet.

Tuesdays with Joey

So yesterday i did more filing, and attaching paychecks to invoices. Now I know how much people get paid for doing tasks. So we will see what happens with my job offer. Also, I had to take the old computers to Best Buy and donated them for recycling. But Best Buy does not take harddrives, so I came back with like forty harddrives that I still need to get rid of by next week.

Here is lisa Nova's spoof on the Hills.

Monday is a good day to alphabetize

Today i was given the task of alphabetizing invoices and bills for five of our projects. I totally got to see what people get paid, per day, and damn, no wonder people want to work in this industry. You can make good money for a ten hour work day. I also had to deal with a little drama drama on the phone. American Express called and wanted to talk to my boss, who happens to be on the other side of the country. I told them that and i took a message. I email my boss with the message. Then, I get another call from AmEx saying they have my boss on the other line and they are going to three way call us so i can hear his voice and confirm his identity. I was like ok. Let me as him a question. and then he got on the phone and i didn't need to ask him a question because he has this really aggressive tone in his voice when he is on the phone and it intimidates me. And lets just say that I am not one who gets intimidate very easily. So needless to say, exciting stuff going on here.

Sorry about not posting

So the last two weeks i have not been posting, i am sorry my six visiting fans. I probably shouldn't got that far and call you guys "fans" but it makes me think that what I am doing matters to someone other than me. Anyway, what i been up to lately has been the usual. I went through twelve boxes full of tapes, files, pictures, and other stuff that i put into an excel spread sheet and then repacked it. I then printed out each sheet for its corresponding box, packed it all together in the corner of the office and it will be taken to storage sometime next week. After that task was taken care of i was put in charge of finding homes for some of our old equipment. Those homes may be another home, the dump, or some charity. I am personally pulling for the charities, just cause i am nice guy and like to give back. We have to share, give to the people. Also, i have been answering the phones more.
Speaking of phones, I talked to one of my many bosses and she got me in contact with the director of post production for our West Coast office in Hollywood. I will hold for applause. Nothing is set in stone, well, actually nothing is set at all. It is just a phone conversation but we will see. So not much else has been happening. I work, work, take a poop, and then work some more. That is pretty much my life.
Here are some shots of the boxes i packed.

Case of the Mondays

Today i had a hard time getting out of bed. I probably shouldn't have gone to a movie last night, but you guys know how i feel about films. I saw the X-file movies and i got some great ideas for a parody film. Which i will not discuss here.
After arrive today, with my coffee in hand, i hit the ground not running but jogging with a limp. After i completed the drink though, i got into a rhythm i knocked out another legal binder. tomorrow i will dot the i's and cross the t's. After that i went through some more inventory with my boss and we put together a camera case for another show. It needs to ship early next week. i think we will be fine, get it out on time.
I was given a little piece of news today. In a couple of weeks i will start to intern with the editing crew. At least that is who i will be working for. I will have to log tapes and find a buyer for an outdated tape deck. Score. check back to see how that works out.

Makin' that cheddar cause I love mac n cheese

So this week was a very good week. I found out that my free internship is actually going to pay me. Score.
Nothing else really to report. I did have an altercation with the copier. I could not figure out how to change the paper size from letter to legal. And I know that sounds totally lame. But I felt really stupid. It turns out on that particular model, all I had to do was change the paper tray. Who knew?
I also fucked up on the phone today. I didn't ask who the caller was before I passed the phone to the owner of the company. So then I had to take the caller off hold, ask him who he was and then put him back on hold to tell the big guy the name. I pretty much looked like an incompetent loser. And I didn't even tell you about the embarrassing music event. And it will remain unsaid.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

This past week

Not much to report on this front. On Monday, i worked on legal binders. And yesterday, Tuesday, i continued to work on legal binders. The plus side of yesterday was that i got 95% completed on Ep 03 and started the music queue sheet for Ep 04. It took about three to four hours and i am almost done with it completely. I am thinking another hour, maybe hour and a half. So that's where i am right now.

Also, due to popular demand i have posted two more pictures. These are the houses that i look at on my way to work. It seems very, Gilmore Girls Emily and Richard's House. All these mansions in the same community, looking similar but each one different. I wonder if they pick these kinds of houses or if the contractor built them and then they came in and bought the one they liked.

Day Five

Today was a much better day. I got to use, pause for dramatic effect, the copier. but no, my day did not end with the copier, i also got to use the label maker. Now, to some of you "not in love with the industry" would call this "bitch work", just like my sister did at dinner. I call it common ground and a giant leap toward my assistant job.
(I felt alittle like Buster from Arrested Development, when he was allowed to go to the construction site and everything was really exciting even though it was very basic.)

But back to the post, I figured if i can work the copier, label maker and the phone, i will be in great shape for a job as someone's assistant. My main task today was to put together a production book. (To be honest, i don't know if that is the technical name for what the book is but it mainly is an organized collection of all the releases, contracts, insurance, etc. documents that are used in the show.) Producers and production companies put together these books just in case someone wants to argue that they are featured in a show but never signed a release. It is very legal. My task, as i said, was to build Episode 03's book today. But did i just make one, no, i made two. One for Nat Geog, and one for another international company that picked up the show. Also, eventually i will make another book for our archive.

Now, the phone is getting trickery. Today, i was the first person in the office at 9:30 in the morning. And the phone started to ring. I finally answered it and took the message and wrote it all down and rocked that phone. What a good day, overall.

Yesterday was Day Four

Yesterday was tough. I had to work on two final scripts, which is not a big deal. The problem lies when my editing programs does not work and i can not view the show, leading me to not finishing the second script. Which made me feel like a crappy intern. I was bummed. It was a depressing day.

The Hills are alive with the sound of music

Today i got to fill out a music queue sheet. I went through episode three ("its becoming my favorite episode" he said sarcastically) and filled out an excel sheet which included the title of each song, time in, time out, and the total time it played. After that task, which took about the first half of the day, i had to look up every song in a database and record the composer, publisher, where to find it in the database, the volume number, etc. That took close to the rest of the day. After I finished the music queue sheet i started on the computer graphics sheet. Which is basically the same thing but instead of music i write down computer graphic, such as maps and diagrams. Lucky for me there was only one map in this episode so that job was very quick and easy. Let's see, what else did i do today.
I found out that Peter (one of the two brothers the show follows) came into the office on Friday. I wasn't there to talk to him but my boss assured me that him and his brother will probably be in some time in the next couple of months.
that's all for right now. tomorrow i will be working on episode four. be excited for me.

Pictures are worth a thousand words

Here are two pictures. The one of house is where i work. The offices are in the lower level. The other picture is of my desk. See my phone, the fax machine, the paper towels. Exciting stuff.

Internship Day 2

Today was divided into two parts. My morning was spent researching Scotland and the Cowal Highland Games. For those of you who don’t know these are the games and competitions that Scotland is famous for creating and annually celebrating and it similar to America’s strongman games. The most recognized is the Caber Toss. That is when you throw the big log called a caber and want it to land straight up. It is judged by the angle in which it lands on the ground. I researched into the history of the highland games. And then I researched the specific games and tried to find what their history was like. The reason I am doing this is because we are producing a show when American strong men will go over to Scotland and watch and learn and possibly partake in the events.
After that I had lunch. I brown bagged my leftover Chinese food.
After my lunch I was given the dialogue script to Lost in China, episode three. I was then sat in a back room with three editing stations. Two little ones and one big one that is connected to the HD big screen. I watched some footage being edited as it was played on the tv. That was so clear and amazing I couldn’t believe the clearity. Yes, back to my station. I sat there with the show on the editing station and the script on my laptop and proceeded to make sure that each word of dialogue spoken in the show was correctly transcribe in the script. And then I also had to place time sequences on every other scene. Now what all that means is when one guy started talking I had to note the time in the show so that when these shows are sent to other countries and need to be subtitles the translated words will appear with what is being spoken from the guys. Not too exciting but the four hours it took me went by kind of fast. There was a problem with a whole paragraph missing and some notes from Nat Geo. Apparently you should say “developing” instead of “third world.”

PS Also, the dead dog, that took place in Harbin, China.

First day of internship

So today I started my internship at BASE Productions. I work for two associate producers, K and F. That is Gossip Girl style. To start off the day I got to watch two episodes of "Lost in China with the Hutchson Brothers". This show has not aired but will on National Geographic International Channel later in the year. Right after the Oymplics I believe. So anyway, the show follows these two brothers who lived in China when they were younger and now are returning to see their "old stomping ground." Needless to say I learned lots about chinese culture and just to put to rest, yes, some parts of china do eat dog. The city in the northeastern region, I can't remember the name right now, does in fact have dead dog for sale to eat.
So after that, we went to lunch. We being my boss K and J maybe. Can't remember that guy's name either but he drove a new Passat. Sweet ride. We ended up at this little place called Alibi. It was a little place run by anna and her husband. Nobody really knows why it is called Alibi. I think they were involved in a murder and said that they could be suspects because they were opening a restaurant in haymarket. Thus, it is their alibi.
After that I read some National Geographic handbook of Standards and Policy. Let me say that I Nat Geo does not screw around. If it airs on their channel those words and images are facts. Checked and verified by my bosses. After I finished that I watched the third episode of the show and got leave after that. My day was not hard. I share my desk with the fax machine, though. I feel like whenever I get a fax I need to deliver it. My boss usually takes it from me and delivers it himself but still, its getting delivered. Overall not very exciting but not stressful either. Tomorrow should be more hands on.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Internship

So that interview turned into an internship. I start tomorrow morning at 9:30. It is very exciting. Look forward to pictures and some stories about my life as an "office" production assistant.

Interview

I have an interview on Monday with BASE Productions. They are based outside on Washington DC in Haymarket which happens to be like fifteen minutes from my house. Score. If i get this internship i will hopefully work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. And if i get this internship and do a great job hopefully they can transfer me to the Los Angeles branch and that way i will have a job when i move out there.

This is what I get to stare at for the next 12 hours. Jealous?

So this is what I get to look at. The open road. "Highway to Hell", well more specifically Carson City, which on reflection one might call Hell. Not me. But someone.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

My cart

This was the cart that Adam pushed and I put things in. We added coffee, cheese, turkey, and hummus to it. Or something like that. I was acting.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Santa?

Santa vacations in Virginia. Apparently Emrile is not the only "celebrity" at Whole Foods today.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

IMG00017.jpg

Here a little behind the scenes.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Extra extra read all about it

I am sitting at the Whole Foods waiting to be an extra on Emrile's new show. It is kind of nice to watch behind the scenes but at the same time I wish I was work it as a PA. The extras were told that we will be pretend shopping with fake carts. I don't know how you fake a cart but it seems possible. This is Hollywood. Wait. No it is not. Sitting here watching I know I will kick ass as a PA when I hit LA. Which will apparently be in a couple of months. We will see. Keep you updated as more exciting things happen.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

IMG00005.jpg

The women in red just finished pushing the one in the cart. It was just funny. I think I'll write a tv show about two old ladies who live together and get into trouble. A mix of the odd couple and the golden girls.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

IMG00003.jpg

I had to send the chopper to get Joann from the beach and back to the city quick. She is too demanding.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Midnight oil

I can totally get why people call them crackberries. I am using mine at 1 in the morning to write a post about nothing. I should go to bed. I am so lame.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

How hard is being an assistant anyway?

So I have been on Universal, Paramount, and Warner Bros looking for executive assistant jobs. There are some available but you have to have like two years of experience, and that i don't have. How do I get experience? I have to find a job or doctor my resume to make it look like I have experience. I mean, this is Hollywood, who doesn't lie? And besides, I have been an assistant. Yes, it was only for three days and it was for an academic conference but still, and assistant none the less. I can totally handle it. I have read books and seen films about being an assistant. It should be totally easy. Well, in theory it should be, but who the hell knows? You'll just have to tune in and see.

Confessions of a Production Assistant: My Life as a Hollywood Pee-On

Chapter One

Moving to Los Angeles right after graduation was a good idea. One of the best I have ever had. I had just finished college and was full of ambition and drive to succeed. I was determined to make it in Hollywood. Make myself a household name. Coming from a small town in Virginia I realize now that I was not fully ready for the City of Angels. I was naive but not ignorant about the city. I figured that I would come across some shady characters and those kind of people I would learn to avoid. Or for the most part learned from my experience with them. I wasn’t really prepared for the culture shock and overall mind blowing experience the city had in store for me.

But I am getting ahead of myself. I should first tell you why I want to work in the movie industry. Well, the answer is quite easy. I absolutely, unconditionally and annoyingly love movies. Good movies, bad movies, western to romantic comedy, and all the ones in between. It started when I was younger. I loved Disney cartoons. The way they could transport a child into another world where animals talked and carpets flew. My mom says that the first movie I saw in theaters was Sleeping Beauty. Shortly after that my grandma Walker gave me Disney movies on video. Since then I received a Disney movie from her every Christmas and Easter. This causes my collection to grow and over the years my sister and I had a complete Disney archive. As I grew up my love for movies hasn’t changed. It’s just, now I am allowed to watch more than cartoons. (Wink wink.)

When I was 11, I learned in school how movies began as written scripts and went into production to become films. It was at the age of 13 that I began to surf the internet looking for scripts to read. Since I couldn’t drive to Blockbuster to rent the movies, I would find the scripts to the movies I wanted to see and read them. I think it was then that I fell in love with screenplays and the movie making industry. One of my favorite things was to read a script of a movie that I had already seen, so that I could see how the director read the words on the page and translated that into visual medium. Some I could remember doing this to were The Fifth Element and Clueless. I would also read scripts of movies I had never seen and then made it a point to rent those when I went to Blockbuster. Two I can remember were Halloween and Cherry Falls (some scenes for this were filmed in Warrenton, Virginia, where I grew up.) Then I could compare what the director had done to what I imagined the film would look like.

It was shortly after I began reading scripts that I developed an unhealthy obsession with Hollywood. This started because I wanted to be a big player and I wanted to know who the other players were. I wanted to follow actors and the way they behaved on set, the way they behaved off set and everything in between. I would religiously check celebrity gossip magazines looking for actors on location, read the “behind the scenes” interviews and articles in film magazines like “Total Film” and “Empire.” I even developed a weird hatred of carbs. I began to “diet” so that when I moved to Tinseltown I was prepared to fold right into the masses with their trendy diets and alternative exercise regiments. I even took up yoga and smoking, which after four painfully slow classes and two cigarettes later decided those were two LA staples I could not partake in. I did however cultivate my caffeine addiction, which I knew would be an asset in the fast paced world of film-making.

But it was over my fall break that I took my first steps into the production side of film. I stayed up late one night and began writing a short film. It was originally an idea that my friends and I talked about over a two PM breakfast at iHop after a night of partying. It needed to get on paper and I took the liberty of doing it. After some phone calls the next morning I made plans to produce the film for my school’s film festival. It was a Public Service Announcement in the case of a zombie infestation on my college campus. It was full of government propaganda and anti soviet comments, which I thought were funny. Apparently the judges did not. I did not win the festival. Shit, I didn’t even place within the competition, which really bothered me because the other films that did place were ass. I’m not just saying that because I was mad. The others really did blow.

I moved passed the film festival and as my college graduation approached people began to ask that dreaded question that all college students must eventually answer. The one question, made up of eight simple words that strike fear in the hearts and causes anxiety attacks in those students who are not sure of the answer. “What are you going to do after school?” I finally just started telling people that I was going to move to LA, work in television and film and ultimately start my own production company and marry an Olsen twin. That plan ultimately grew into me spending my weekends reading scripts and drinking coffee at the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Hanging out in Malibu mansions and coordinating multimillion-dollar movie deals over my blackberry while I drive down the Pacific Coast Highway in my black Mercedes SL. I mean, I had real simple goals. Easy to visualize (PCH, Malibu, car) and highly probable. Right? Well, maybe the Olsen twin fantasy was far fetched but the rest is possible. So, with those fantasies disguised as goals in my mind, I felt I had a “solid” plan and that was good enough for me.

But like most well thought out plans, mine hardly happen the way I wanted it too. (In the biz, we call that a “teaser.” It entices the audience into wanting to know more.)

It started two weeks after my college graduation when I had a meeting with a producer in Los Angeles. On Wednesday I drove to the production office, parked my car and checked in with the producer’s secretary. It went something like this.

INT. Production Office- 3:00 PM.
Doors to the elevator open. Standing in the corner wearing a blue shirt and tie is Joey Bersack. A recent college graduate and current job candidate as a Production Assistant at Universal Studios. Joey exits the elevator and walks the floor till he reaches a secretary typing at a computer. She looks up from she is doing.

Secretary
Can I help you?

Joey
Oh, hi. I’m Joey Bersack. I’m here to see Dave Pullano.

Secretary
Right, well, Dave has someone in his office now but he will be with you shortly.

Joey
Okay.

Secretary
If you want to take a seat I’ll let him know you’re here.

Joey
Thanks.

Joey sits down in a nice big leather chair. He picks up a Variety and starts flipping through it. He notices that Drew Berrymore’s production company just inked a deal with Paramount for another Charlie Angel’s film.

Joey (Over Voice)
Well, if this doesn’t work out maybe I could get on that project.

Secretary
Did you want something to drink? Water? Coke? Coffee?

Joey
Oh, no thanks. I’m fine.

Dave Pullano opens his office door and ushers out an older man. They are discussing the Lakers.

Dave Pullano
Okay, John. So I will see you next Friday for the game, right? I’ll pick you up, say 6:00?


John Mystery Man
Sure, sounds great. See ya later Dave. Bye Jessica.

Jessica (Secretary)
Bye Mr. Kent.

Dave
So, you must be Joey.

Joey
Yes. Thank you for meeting with me.

Dave
Oh, no problem. Come on in.

Joey and Dave enter the office and the door closes.

Fade to Black.

Okay, I have to confess. None of this really happened, but I was using “creative visualization.” I believe that if I could picture in my mind a positive, great interview that resulted in me getting the job then I it will become a reality. It is like creating the reality out of the fantasy. Which is exactly what movie making consists of. I wrote it as if you were reading a screenplay because I think that it was easier to read the conversations that took place in script form. Also, I thought it was interesting and creative, something new. Besides my life practically revolves around scripts and screenplays. They’re all I read besides the daily trades and gossip rags.

It was shortly after I started as a production assistant that I got the idea to write down my trials and shit jobs. I want to chronicle them in this book. Some are awesome, some are stinky (really, the smell was overbearing) but most of all of them are funny. This is my life as a Hollywood Pee-On. The confessions of a Production Assistant.


Side Note
What I had in mind for this work is that it will eventually become a memoir. I want to chronicle my first years in the industry because I don’t think there are enough production, behind the scene, tongue in cheek books for kids now a days. I want to get my experience out there for them.

This blog was...

created to be a behind the scenes look at my life. I will post pictures and chapters from my memoirs.